Hmmm. Where do I even start from? It’s almost a crime to read this and not to comment. I understand your plight and I think I see your standpoint clearly.
I was born into a Christian family also. I am still a Christian, although I sometimes don’t like to describe myself with that word. I prefer saying, ‘I belong to Christ’. That’s because there are all kinds of people who profess to be Christians and many of them have ruined what Christ stands for with their lives. So, I don’t like to be categorized with “them”. I can only speak for myself that I belong to Christ.
The problem I see that many have is that they start seeking God late in their lives. One thing that helped me is that I started confronting those hard questions early and refused to let religion blind me. The life I live in connection with Christ is beyond what I can express in a post like this. I can boldly say that there is no answer I want from God that I don’t have.
True Christianity is not a religion; it is the living, pulsating life of God in a man. Unfortunately, the Christian religion folks just don’t get it. They believe man prays and God acts to answer. Meanwhile the pattern is; God gives direction (and task), man acts (and gets the job done).
Anyway, I just had to respond to your post. I bond with your honesty and sincerity. Cheers!